Tuesday, February 27, 2018

THE VOID (2016)

"We're in Hell."

Obviously inspired by films like PRINCE OF DARKNESS, THE THING, the HELLRAISER series, THE BEYOND, etc. THE VOID tells the gripping at first and then gradually less exciting story of a group of people holed up inside a small backwoods hospital.  They're surrounded by an armed group of hooded outer space worshipers, but the even bigger danger lays in the basement of the hospital.  Eek!

For a low-budget horror film, THE VOID has amazing-looking special effects...I just wish the story had been more original and creepier.  Some tasty nudity wouldn't have hurt things either.

Great beginning, boring middle act, meh ending.  Awesome special effects, good acting, nice photography, too dark lighting, boring dialogue, great music, fair amount of blood, zero tits.  I liked THE VOID, it was a good time-waster, but I can't ever imagine wanting to watch it again.

Probably would have made a better novel than a movie.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

"You go down on her...you're gonna be kissing the back of my head, cause I'm already gonna be there!"

Anybody with even a basic knowledge of "bad movies" knows what they are getting when they sit down to watch an Andy Sidaris joint: a ridiculous story filled with big guns, fat tits, exotic locations and goofy dialogue.  In other words...they're fucking awesome!!! 

This time around, the action is set in Hawaii (which truly is beautiful in this film), as some sexy female drug enforcement agents (who are working undercover as small cargo aircraft pilots) accidentally deliver a killer snake and then accidentally intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a local drug lord!  Talk about having a bad morning...better go get topless in the hot tub and think it over!

Somebody shooting a large killer snake from 5 feet away with a rocket launcher inside a house (!!!), numerous topless scenes, some truly cringeworthy dialogue, eye-melting 80's fashions, cool 80's electronics, a middle-aged skateboarder doing a drive-by while holding an inflatable sex doll, crossdressing, medium pace, Andy Sidaris acting, throwing star-fu, nunchaku-fu, ninja hand claw-fu, somebody "smoking some heavy doobies" and a guy getting murdered with a frisbee!

If frisbee murder didn't grab your attention, then I don't know what will.  HTTH isn't the best movie of all time (or even a good movie!), but in the right frame of mind, it can be a lot of fun.  So grab some heavy doobies and check it out.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

WHAT WE BECOME (2015)

Featuring all the excitement of a dry wet fart, WHAT WE BECOME is the snoozerific story of a quiet suburban neighborhood that is, at first, quarantined and then overrun by zombies.  That might sound exciting, but the pace of this underwhelming pigfucker is guaranteed to put all but the most easily amused movie watcher to sleep.  In fact, I'm getting sleepy just talking about it!  

[7 hours later]

Huh...ughhh, what the fuck happened?  Where are my clothes and why is my girlfriends finger in my butt?!  Guess I fell asleep.  Anyway, WHAT WE BECOME is a competently made film.  It looks good and the acting is passable, but the story is nothing!  We've seen this same type of slow-burn invasion story dozens of times before in everything from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS to DISTURBING BEHAVIOR and WHAT WE BECOME brings nothing new to the table.  At least MULBERRY STREET helped invent the word "ratpire"!

The best thing WWB has going for it is the short running time and the teenage son who was amusing to laugh at.  That kid was a dork!  It was fun trying to list all of his hobbies...smoking, gaming, girls, bowling, toy collecting, beginner level skateboarding (no tricks, just slowly rolling down the street), urban exploration, baseball, peeping tom, basketball, The Simpsons, reading, guitars, monster trucks, fireworks, etc.

Zero nudity, very little violence, forgettable characters, boring zombies, slow pace, predictable ending that sucked.  Watch it if you want, but I think you can find something better to do with your time.