Wednesday, May 16, 2018

THE BLACKCOAT'S DAUGHTER (2015)

Don't go.

I like Satan. As far as imaginary characters go, I think he's pretty cool.  He ranks right up there with Kermit the Frog and Menlo Schwartzer.

Two young ladies, for different reasons, have to stay a few extra days at their all-girl boarding school during the winter break.  Things go okay during the first night, well...except for the demon sighting and the Satan worshiping in the basement (or as I like to call it: Thursday), but after that things get pretty crunk.

If you're looking for a ballz to the wall gorefest, then keep looking, but if you're down for a slow-moving, thought provoking and thoroughly entertaining dark tale, then THE BLACKCOAT'S DAUGHTER should keep you happy.  There's not any nudity or excessive amounts of blood, but the story is definitely fucked up!  I loved the ending.  The music was awesome also.  It really fit the film.

Double-feature with Kubrick's THE SHINING.

Fun fact: the boarding school the girls go to, Bramford, shares the same name as the apartment building in ROSEMARY'S BABY.

Monday, May 14, 2018

THE PYRAMID (2014)

Archaeologists discover a pyramid way out in the Egyptian desert.  They go inside to check things out.  The residents don't like visitors.

Being a horror movie based around an Egyptian pyramid, the viewer could justifiably expect all kinds of sinister shenanigans to happen: perhaps a dried out, icky-looking mummy ripping guy's dicks off and punching females in the cooter; possibly a freaky-looking creature with the head of a lion and the body of a man feasting on people's intestines; perchance some half-cat, half-hippopotamus monsters tearing off victims faces and crushing their testicles; mayhaps even an upright-walking beast with the body of a hunting dog and the penis of a caracal tip-toeing around and peeing in the mouths of sleeping archaeologists...but no.  Instead, we get a half-jackal/half-man CGI creature that lurks in the dark and kills like 3 or 4 people offscreen.  Yawn.

I went into THE PYRAMID excited, but quickly realized that it was going to be a lightweight outing.  Zero nudity, very little blood, no gore, tiresome characters, lots of darkness, disappointing monster, okay acting, slow start, boring middle and dumb ending.  I managed to watch the entire thing, but it was a struggle. Skip it.

Monday, May 7, 2018

47 METERS DOWN (2017)

Two "meh"-looking sisters (who never even get close to naked) are vacationing in Mexico.  One of them is depressed about her boyfriend breaking up with her for being "boring", so in a severely misguided attempt to look more fun (and somehow win him back), they decide to go cage diving with sharks.  With decision making skills like that, I think I can see why her boyfriend broke up with her.

Anyway, these two tired-of-living motherfuckers find a rinky-dink cage diving operation and before you can say "shark pussy", the cable has broken and they're 47 meters down up in this bitch.  So, now stuck in a cage at the bottom of the ocean and surrounded by sharks, you'd expect for the filmmakers to amp up the intense drama and have the sisters fighting over oxygen and/or maybe admitting that "Hey, I fucked your boyfriend.", but no...instead the viewer is treated to an hour of these two dead fucks talking about their feelings and occasionally swimming around outside the cage.  It's all very lame and uneventful.  I watched the entire movie, but found myself daydreaming about other stuff like "How come there's never been a really slow-paced alien invasion story?" or "Susie (my cat) is gorgeous."

Zero nudity, zero thrills, zero imagination, talking underwater despite your ears being outside of your mask, very little action or blood, slow pace, stupid decision after stupid decision, bland acting, completely unbelievable underwater action.

47 METERS DOWN is an okay time-waster, that I never want to watch ever again.  Here's hoping that any reboots or sequels are set in a nudist colony.