Wednesday, April 24, 2024

HOLY SPIDER (2022)

"I did it all for God."

There is a serial killer, the “Spider Killer”, stalking the low-level prostitutes of Mashhad, Iran.  The police have little interest in finding the killer since all of his victims are considered to be unclean women and therefore looked upon as being less than human.  In fact, what the Spider Killer is doing is seen by the general population as a positive thing.  Enter female journalist Arezoo Rahimi who appears to be the luckiest news reporter in history because upon arriving Mashhad she, in a matter of days, somehow, in a city of over three and a half million people, locates this self-righteous lunatic.

HOLY SPIDER is an alright film.  The acting is above average, but the entire thing is just too light-weight and weak.  The story idea of a serial killer having free reign to do as he pleases in a large city that is being crushed down and oppressed by the religious government is fascinating and terrifying, but the film that ends up on the screen fails to relay any of that horror or conflict.  I wanted to see more of the inner workings of the city leaders who publicly act like they care, but secretly support the murderer cleansing their streets of women who dare to walk “on the streets of this holy city, chewing gum” and “wearing short coats”.  Instead, we get various random scenes of the monster hanging out with his family and friends who love him despite the fact that he has the personality of an iceberg.

HOLY SPIDER is a good film that creates a lot of food for thought, but it could have been much better.

Monday, April 15, 2024

BORDER (2018)

"The entire human race is a disease..."

Swedish Customs officer Tina lives an empty life.  Her job seems to be nothing more than a glorified drug dog (sniffing passengers as they get off a ferry), her elderly father lives in a nursing home and disapproves of her living with the listless Roland who appears taking advantage of Tina for a free place to crash.  Even worse than all of that is Tina suffers from a chromosomal abnormality that makes her look like a caveman.  Or does she?  Her life is turned upside-down one day when a passenger gets off the ferry and he looks a lot like her.  Tina’s life pretty much goes to shit after that.

I really enjoyed the basic idea of BORDER (by the way, that is a horrible name for this movie) and was super into for about 20 minutes, then the story slowly started drifting off into various paths that I found uninteresting and, while I still watched it, I began to lose interest.  Also, the character of Vore was such a grotesque and vile shitbag that I could barely even stand looking at that worthless shit stain.  Tina seemed to be a genuine and likeable character and then when she finally meets somebody of her own kind, the person is an absolute horror.  I didn’t care for that.  But, I guess, that is just life for you.

Up and down pace, beautiful camerawork, a few enhanced shots that were distracting, above average acting, some nudity that I didn’t want to see, interesting story that could have been much better, beautiful Swedish countryside, impressive lighting.  Overall, BORDER is an interesting film that would have been better off if it hadn’t pulled its punches.  Or just told a completely different story with the same character of Tina.  Still, it’s worth watching, just don’t expect too much.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

AMITYVILLE IN SPACE (2022)

Fucking awful.  A priest confronts Satan at the Amityville house, which then, for some reason, blasts off into outer space.  Fast-forward to the year 3015 and a spaceship that is cruising around looking for “rogue black holes in space” comes across the Amityville Mojo Dojo Casa House still fully intact just leisurely floating around.  Three crew members board the mysterious house and find the priest alive and well.  Shit happens and I got more and more depressed that I was watching this Satanic bowel movement.

Slow pace, zero nudity, zero gore, zero blood, non-acting that bordered on people just reciting lines, beyond shit special effects, shit sets, the voice of the evil character so garbled that I could barely understand anything he said, zero cheerleaders, zero ninjas, a house supposedly floating in deep space in the year 3015 but you can see cars driving by outside the window, horrid lighting, disappointing ending, crap story.

Honestly, outside of making fun of this with your friends, there is no reason that you should watch this turd.  AMITYVILLE IN SPACE is not the worst thing ever made, but there are so many better things you can do with your time.

Skip it with a vengeance and never look back.